Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Why Amazon's Logo Has a Smirk

Some years ago I was curious what kind of grocery products were available on Amazon. Did you even know Amazon sells stuff like eggs, filet mignon, and white truffles? The Internet sure is a zany place fit for any recluse. Any way, I wondered what kind of milk Amazon carried so I started searching for "milk." In one such product, the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl. oz., I quickly realized I had stepped through some trans-dimensional portal and into a completely strange and funny side of Amazon. Sure, the product looks real, but start reading the reviews for the product and you'll find some literary and comical gems. Here are just a few of our favorites:

Some assembly required... indeed., August 16, 2006
Shipping was fine, and the product was not damaged in any way, but my husband and I (both of us have college degrees, mind you, his in Engineering) could not figure out how to assemble this. No instructions, no diagrams, not even a lousy cheap allen wrench. So basically, weeks after purchase, we're using it as a one gallon paper weight. I haven't gotten any response from Tuscan. It earns two stars simply because it is heavy and does do a fair job of holding down the stack of newspapers awaiting recycling.
Shipping problem: Item not marked as perishable., May 24, 2009
I ordered 300 units of this item in an attempt to furnish a small raft to escape my country which is ridden with civil unrest and street-side executions by local militia death squads. However, when the Tuscan Whole Milk did eventually arrive after 3 months of waiting and various bribes in the means of lewd sex acts to local warlords that control the only air strip in the area, the milk was spoiled. This was a detrimental blow to my plan to barter the product in exchange for food needed for my voyage. Absolutely unacceptable shipping standards. 1 Star.
The Tuscan Wind, August 1, 2008
It was the last day of summer, and the Tuscan wind played with their hair. They leaned against the railing of the balcony, looking up at the stars. "In Italiano, we call it the Via Lattea," he said, savoring the last syllables of the Italian word like they were slices of creamy tiramisu.
--"That's beautiful," she said, looking into his eyes with white thirst.
--"Si." His arm grazed gently against hers. "If only...if only we had a gallon, one hundred..."
--"...and twenty-eight fluid ounces?" she said, producing a gallon of Tuscan whole milk from the folds of her evening dress.
--"How did you know?"
--"Oh Amato," she said, "I've known all along."

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